“I will not be in the same room with those people!” Mr. Twain exclaimed.
He was turning red as he became more agitated. His wife sat quietly
next to him. I had walked into the office thirty minutes earlier,
expecting a routine mediation. Little did I know that my first two
hours would be spent persuading Mr. and Mrs. Twain to meet with the other
side.
Some mediators might have kept the parties separate. My experience
told me the opposite: When parties are highly escalated, they must
be persuaded to face each other across the table, no matter how hard the
conversation might be. I was not getting paid to take the easy way
out.
I listened carefully to Mr. Twain. When appropriate, I summarized
back to him what he was saying and feeling. Slowly, I established an
empathic connection with him. As he realized he was really being heard,
his anger subsided slightly.
“You are right. Facing those people probably would be very good
for me. But the thought of being across the table from them just makes
me mad,” he said.
We continued in dialogue for another hour until we had negotiated the
terms of his participation. Mr. Twain would not be required to say
anything, and he would be seated right by the door. If he felt like
he was losing control, he could simply excuse himself and step out.
Mrs. Twain agreed to speak for both of them. I thought I had the process
under control.
I brought everyone together into the conference room. Mr. and Mrs.
Hemmingway and their attorney sat on one side. Across from them sat Mr.
and Mrs. Twain and their attorney. I went through my usual introduction
and explained the mediation process to everyone.
I stated my ground rules and asked if everyone could agree to them.
My second ground rule was that everyone agreed that they would summarize
what others said if asked to do so. Everyone consented and so we started.
The Twains and Hemmingways were neighbors, but did not know each other.
I asked Mr. Hemmingway to share his perspective on the dispute. In
a straightforward manner, he told us what the conflict was about and how
it escalated. When he finished, I turned to Mrs. Twain and asked her
to summarize back what Mr. Hemmingway had said.
Mrs. Twain immediately launched into her spin on Mr. Hemmingway’s perspective,
explaining why he was completely wrong.
I stopped her. “Mrs. Twain, you will have a chance to tell your
story in a moment. First, though, do you think you can summarize back
what Mr. Hemmingway has told us?”
Mrs. Twain said, “I forgot what he said.”
I smiled gently and turned to Mr. Hemmingway, “Would you mind telling
your story again? And Mrs. Twain, would you like a piece of paper to
take notes?” She nodded.
Mr. Hemmingway told his story again. I turned back to Mrs. Twain
and asked, “Can you summarize back what he just said?”
Mrs. Twain started to spin his story again. “Mrs. Twain,” I said
gently and with a smile, “Just summarize back what he said.”
“You mean repeat back what he said?”
“Yes, just that,” I said.
Mrs. Twain looked at me a little sheepishly. “I forgot again.”
We all laughed, including Mrs. Twain.
“Ok,” I said. “We’ll break it down. Mr. Hemmingway, please start
again.”
After about thirty seconds, I put my hand up to pause him. “Mrs.
Twain, try summarizing what he just said.”
She faltered a little, but got most of it. “Mr. Hemmingway, was
that a fair summary of what you just said?”
“Yes, it was.”
“Great. Please continue,” I said.
He continued his story, pausing every 30 to 45 seconds to permit Mrs.
Twain to summarize back. Slowly, Mrs. Twain began to gain confidence
in her summaries. As she did so, the hostility in the room dissipated.
Three hours later, we had an agreement that everyone liked. As
we closed the session, the Hemmingways invited the Twains over for margaritas
the following evening. It seems that peace was restored in the neighborhood.
The key element in this assignment was the listening. First, I
carefully and empathically listened to Mr. Twain. I did not argue
with him or challenge his perspective; I simply summarized back what he
was saying and what he was feeling. As we built trust and empathy
with each other, his anger naturally reduced to the point that he could
agree to participate in the process.
Second, I created a safe environment where Mrs. Twain could be allowed
to listen to Mr. Hemmingway. At first, her anger prevented her from
doing so. With patience and kindness, I allowed her the experience
of making mistakes and learning. As she learned to listen, an empathic
connection between the couples was established where none had existed before.
Thus, anger, frustration, and mistrust were transformed into peace between
neighbors.
We rarely have the experience of being deeply heard by others.
Most of the time, others tune out while we speak. When we can listen
to others, especially in deep, intractable conflicts, we learn about ourselves
and our capacities for positive good. When we are listened too, we
feel honest respect and appreciation. Conflict cannot exist in such
an environment and harmony flourishes.
Douglas E. Noll, Esq. is a lawyer specializing in peacemaking and mediation
of difficult and intractable conflicts throughout California. His firm,
Douglas E. Noll and Associates is based in Central California. He may
be reached through his website
and email at doug@nollassociates.com