Douglas E. Noll, Esq.
August 2004
“It’s not about the money,
it’s about the principle of the thing!”
“I would rather pay my lawyer $250,000, than pay that scum a dime!”
“I want them to hurt. I don’t care how much I have to pay in
lawyer’s fees, I want them to feel pain!”
“Those guys jerked me around! I am going to jerk their chain
right back!”
“If he was in the street, I wouldn’t swerve to miss him!”
These are the types of comments I often hear in difficult relationship
conflicts. They indicate a high stage of escalation, high
emotionality, and a deep sense of injustice. When people are in
this frame of mind, talking rationally simply does not work. How,
as a peacemaker, do I approach these people?
The first step is in understanding that, clinically, these people are
suffering from some degree of narcissistic wound. That’s a
technical term for emotional injury, usually caused by an attack on
identity. Attacks on identity can arise from betrayal of trust,
deceit, disrespect, neglect or abandonment by people to whom the
injured party has a relational bond. Because the relationship is
close, such as a business partner, the injured party creates a large
part of his or her identity out of the relationship. When the
relationship breaks, the injured party experiences a deep threat to
identity, which is translated in the brain as a threat to
survival. Narcissistic wounding results with defended behaviors
designed to minimize the hurt and protect the identity from further
attack.
I have observed three levels of wounding. Each level of intensity
relates to the depth of the relationship and the extent of the
betrayal. The first level manifests as annoyance, pique, and a
sense of unfairness. Usually, the relationship is not
intense. Typical relationships would include business associates,
but not partners, employer-supervisor, and friendly neighbors.
The wound is not deep and people will generally listen to reason.
They are able to separate out their indignation from the pragmatic need
to resolve the conflict peacefully.
The second level manifests as wounded pride, indignity, insult, or
disrespect. The relationship is more intense and expectations
about behaviors within the relationship are greater. Sometimes,
the expectations are implicit and unstated, which leads to wounding
when the expectations are not met.
These cases are challenging because the injured party imputes
intentionality on the part of the offending party. E.g., “You
knew that I wanted that promotion, and you intentionally blocked me
from it so you could get it yourself.” I have rarely seen overt,
intentionally malicious behavior, but I see people assuming and
inferring it all the time.
At level two, the wound is moderately deep. People have a hard
time listening to reason. They have a sense of entitlement and
expectancy that has been denied, and they want it fulfilled. They
will transmute their wound into a demand for money that often has no
relationship to the actual economic injury. Thus, a terminated
employee might demand $100,000 for a claim that might have an economic
value of $5,000. The challenge with these injuries is that
because money symbolizes identity, negotiating is not about making a
deal. Instead, it is about validating one’s self esteem and self
worth. This is why people will be insulted by first offers that
are perceived as too low.
Level three wounds are the most difficult and challenging. They
manifest as a deep and abiding sense of injustice, darkest betrayal,
repudiation of fundamental values, and abuse. If the wound is
sufficiently severe, the injured party can suffer from post traumatic
stress syndrome and its associated symptoms. People experiencing
this wound seem to be stuck emotionally on the injury and its
cause. They retell the experience leading to the injury over and
over again. It seems as if they can never get off this merry-go-round
of insult. The offending party can apologize sincerely and fully, but
that has no meaning to the injured party. If the injured party is
approached from a rational perspective, he or she may see that type of
persuasion as disrespectful of the pain. These parties need to be
listened to patiently and with great empathy.
I have seen these wounds in clergy sexual abuse cases, disputes between
business partners that go to the same church or share similar religious
values, and in cases where there was severe sexual harassment by a
supervisor. At this level, the injured party needs clinical help
from a therapist. The peacemaker must create a safe, secure
environment for the parties to talk about the injury. The injured
party must sense that he or she will be protected and not re-victimized.
Understanding when people have been wounded and how deep the wound has
been experienced can give you insight into the conflict.
Narcissistic wounds require the peacemaker to be non-judgmental and to
show loving kindness and compassion. If the offending party can
also be compassionate, appropriately remorseful, and empathic, the
injured party can usually start on a healing journey to forgiveness.
Douglas E. Noll, Esq. is a lawyer specializing in peacemaking and mediation of difficult and intractable conflicts throughout California. His firm, Noll Associates is based in Central California. He may be reached through his website and email at doug@nollassociates.com
© 2004, Douglas E. Noll