Douglas E. Noll, Esq.
December 2004
This month, I want to share
a story about a family business conflict. This is not based on
any real family business, but is so common, it could be.
Bill, at 70 years, was father, boss, and tribal chief. He was the
president, CEO, and principal shareholder in the family business.
In Bill’s family, no one was really an individual. Rather, his
children, Sara, Will, and Connie, were all like parts of machine.
Neither Bill nor his children acted like adults with families of their
own. Their lives revolved completely around the family
business. Sara, Will and Connie saw their primary identities as
Bill’s children. They had little economic or emotional autonomy.
In fact, Bill was consulted on every major life decision, and his
approval was necessary before anyone could do anything. Their social
lives and raising their children were coordinated around Bill’s
preferences. Although Sara, Will and Connie lived in separate
houses with their spouses, they were all in the same
neighborhood. No one was more than a few blocks from Bill.
Bill’s wife, Ann, was subservient to Bill in every way.
Bill died suddenly and unexpectedly on a Saturday evening. His estate
left everything, including the family business, to Ann. Ann had
stayed at home to raise the children. She consequently had no
ability, desire, or inclination to run the business. She told the
children they would have to run it for her.
Other than going away to college, Sara, Will, and Connie had each
worked in the family business since high school. They did their jobs
well, but had never made decisions independently of Bill. They
also had never learned how to deal with differences between themselves.
Bill, ever the firm patriarch, was always around to keep disagreements
from getting out of control.
Within three months of Bill’s death, the family business, which had
provided very comfortable livings for everyone, was in chaos.
Sara and Will were not speaking to each other, and Connie was in denial
as she tried to avoid the arguments that erupted every day. The
business was headed for a death spiral unless the three siblings could
straighten their relationships out quickly. On the recommendation
of the family lawyer, they retained a peacemaker.
The peacemaking process was not easy or fast. Initial private
interviews uncovered the basic history of the family and its
dysfunctional nature. In addition, the three siblings carried
perceptions of gross injustices they each suffered at the hands of Bill
and from the other siblings. Everyone privately felt that Bill
had singled out the others for special treatment to his or her
exclusion.
The key was in helping the family understand how the problems they
faced were not created by them, but by their father. Without
casting blame, a series of guided conversations began to reveal that
Bill’s need for control reduced Sara, Will and Connie to child-like
roles within the family and the business. Despite being
functional adults otherwise, they were never allowed to mature into
business owners, decision-makers, and leaders.
Injustices were uncovered and talked about openly. These
difficult discussions provided the basis for learning how to listen,
how to be present with one’s personal fear and anxiety, and how to
support others at the same time. In family systems terminology,
Sara, Will and Connie were learning how to differentiate.
At times, the conversations were heated. Sometimes, one or
another would storm out of the peacemaking session. After all, over 30
years of pent-up frustration was boiling to the surface. As long
as the conversations remained respectful and productive, the peacemaker
allowed the family to express itself emotionally. Ground rules
were established and enforced to maintain a safe and tolerable
environment for the work. Even the ground rules provided a lesson
in how to organize and conduct group meetings by consensus.
Over a period of four months, significant decisions were made. Ann
agreed to sell the business to the children. The children agreed
that Sara would be the CEO, and she agreed to go back to school to
learn about business leadership and management. Will and Connie
would be vice-presidents, but as co-owners, would have an equal voice
with Sara in all significant business decisions. Decisions would be by
consensus whenever possible. They agreed to bring in financial, legal,
and management consultants to help them learn to run the business in an
efficient and modern manner.
By the anniversary of Bill’s death, the business had turned
around. Things were still tough, but Sara, Will and Connie were
on a path of personal and family growth. They had successfully
negotiated the pitfalls of their father’s untimely death, confronted
their conflicts, and found ways to collaborate towards future success.
Not every family is this successful. The difference here was an
early intervention by an outsider and, more importantly, the depth of
commitment of the children towards themselves, their mother, and their
families.
Douglas E. Noll, Esq. is a lawyer specializing in peacemaking and mediation of difficult and intractable conflicts throughout California. His firm, Noll Associates is based in Central California. He may be reached through his website and email at doug@nollassociates.com
© 2004, Douglas E. Noll